junlia

Now I wasn't so sure about this. I had a feeling Laurie had other things in mind, that I did not feel like participating in. Especially now!

I'd only been to the United States twice; to Indianapolis.
"Laurie, what are you doing?"
She gave me the dumb look.
"What do you mean?"
"I know what you're doing, and the answer is no", I said.
"Nat, relax. I'm not doing anything...I promise."
I still didn't believe her...I couldn't.

We got our things and I saw Anna coming towards us up ahead. I'd only met her once, and I didn't remember much about her.
"Hey Laurie, you made it!"
I watched them embrace.
"Yeah, it was fine. A long flight, but it was fine. This is my best friend, Natalia. Natalia, this is my cousin Anna."
We exchanged greetings but I still felt out of place.
"Laurie's told me alot about you...I'm sorry for what you're going through", she offered.
Going through? You have no idea!
"Thanks."

Laurie and I piled into her SUV outside and I began to feel even more uncomfortable. An SUV? A limo or Maserati would've been nice, I thought.
"You'll have to excuse me, Natalia. I bet you're used to all kinds of luxuries", she kidded.
I flashed an annoyed smile as politely as I could.

I watched the scenery flash by outside my window as we drove. I couldn't help but think of how much it represented my life, and shuddered at the thought. Part of me wanted to stay here and see what I was missing, and the other part wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.
"Oh I love this song! Remember Laurie?"
I heard Anna turn the radio up, not recognizing whoever was singing.
"What is this?", I asked.
"It's country, Natalia. That's all they listen to out here", Laurie answered.
I nodded.
"So, Laurie says you're a singer?"
I glanced in the rear view mirror.
"Yeah, but not like this. European music is alot different", was all I could say.

Finally, I started to see signs of civilization. We narrowed into two lanes of traffic, drawing nearer to the destination I was still unaware of. All I could see was a big sign-billboard looking thing above us that said "Welcome to Atlanta Motor Speedway".

Our Durango pulled out of the two lanes and made way down a narrower road, towards a village of motorhomes. But not like the ones I'd seen before; these were tiny!
"Are...we staying in one of those?", I asked.
Laurie looked at me blankly and Anna managed turn all the way around in her seat.
"Yes", Laurie nudged me.
"Sorry", I whispered, "The ones I'm used to are so much bigger."
Laurie giggled and squeezed my arm.

Anna stopped the car and we all got out. I took in a breath of fresh air, and moved around. This was the strangest thing I'd ever seen! Now I was growing even more homesick.
"Ok, I'll show you guys my RV and we can head over to meet the guys."
My stomach dropped. I knew it.
"What...guys?", I choked out.
"Natalia, relax", Laurie said calmly.
I follwed Anna into her RV.
"I hope it's big enough for you", she smiled.
I smiled back weakly and put my stuff down on the couch.
"Can I change first?", I asked.

Anna directed me to the back room so I could put on some fresh clothes before any 'encounters'. I couldn't believe Laurie thought I would actually go through, or be okay with meeting any guys right now. I couldn't even look at one anymore.

I wondered if my mother would kill me if she knew I was here. I thought about our last conversation as well. It didn't go so well...

March 17th, 2006:
Sepang, Malaysia

"I can't believe you Natalia! How can I even look you in the face?! Six years, and it took you less than a day to fuck it all up!", my mother screamed.
She must've been 3 inches away from my face.
"I told you, I didn't do anything", I sobbed.
She stormed around and came back to me.
"I'm not letting you ruin this. In the name of God you'll fix this, do you understand me?! And if you don't, I'll be forced to fix it myself!"
I nodded, trying to stop the tears.
"Why don't you believe me mother?", I begged.
"How can I?! I don't even know you anymore Natlaia, I can't even call you my own daughter..."
I tried to lock eyes with her but she looked away.
"I'm sorry", I choked out.
I collapsed on the couch and she stayed away from me.
"Just how could you? How could you Natalia?!"
I felt like screaming.
"Nothing happened! I swear to God nothing happened! Scott and I are just friends and he would never touch me! Those stupid girls hate me, and why Nick would take their word over mine is beyond me!", I screamed at her.
She blinked at me, unfased.
"You have much work to do if you're getting married in the fall", she said simply.

My mother got up and I watched her float out the door. I sat there, feeling my own tears slide down my cheeks and drip onto the tops of my arms. I sat staring for a while, confused. Since when did my own family not take my word? Since when was I automatically labeled a liar? Was my mother really as ashamed as she claimed?

Thinking about this only made me cry more.

I pulled off my sweater and found a new one, and fixed my hair. Like it matters, I thought. But I continued to look presentable anyway, and finally headed back out to where Anna and Laurie were waiting.
"Took you long enough", Laurie joked.

I walked behind them, careful not to take notice of my surroundings. I was trying not to be noticed myself, but I could hear minute whispers around me. I heard Anna some peoples' names, not recognizing any of them. There were strange-looking cars pulling in and out of tiny garages, weaving around people as they made their way on to the track...Which I hadn't seen it.
"Those...Those are race cars?", I asked.
"Yep. Smaller and less powerful, I know. But you get used to it", Laurie comforted me.
Laurie left me, and followed Anna to greet a group of guys.
"Oh, hey. Come meet Natalia, my best friend", I heard her say.
I stood there not moving, feeling stupid.
"Natalia, this is Reed."
I looked at him, and my stomach dropped.
"Hi", I said idiodically.
"Nice to meet you", he said.
He was gorgeous!
"She just broke up with her boyfriend", I heard Laurie whisper.

Have you ever gotten that feeling that all of a sudden, you know everything is going to be okay? I love that feeling.

Why can't true love be forever
Why did my dream explode?
The day you went away.
Cause I won't keep the spell together,
I wish you well of hope.
And girl from yesterday

One More Night
I wanna be with you
Where I wanna hold you tight
It feels so right, tonight
Don't leave it up to you
And I think the time is right
To start the fight…

Arlene gave me the same blank look she’d been giving me for a month. I swallowed hard, like I didn’t recognize it. I smiled too, hoping she couldn’t see through me.
“You can’t go on tour like this Natalia”, she said.
“What do you mean? I thought it went well.”
She glared at me, and handed back my sheet music.
“Look, take a vacation. I’ve been running your life since you turned thirteen, enjoy yourself for awhile and forget about music, ok?”
I blinked; that was impossible. Music was my job!
“What? How? This is all I know…”, I breathed.
“Just go and relax, I’ll call you.”

I watched Arlene leave and took a seat in her chair. I leaned it back far and closed my eyes. I knew she was right, I couldn’t deal with this. She just said it in a nicer way. But how could anyone deal with this? Was there some book out there I didn’t know about?

Even my mom had given up on me. She was the second person I called that morning after Laurie, and she hasn’t talked to me since. I have a feeling she thinks it’s my fault somehow, which is just like her…

January 23rd, 2006
Barcelona, Spain.

"I was thinking, Natalia. Maybe you should cut down on touring this year...", mother began.
I glared at her halfway.
"Why?"
"Well, don`t cancel everything, just cut back. With how you`re getting married in the fall, don't you want to spend more time with Nick?"
I turned away from her.
"I told you, he never asked me to marry him. And why you choose to keep throwing that in my face is beyond me", I snapped.
"I'm not throwing anything in your face Natalia, I guess I just misunderstood. I'm sure he's busy, anyway", she said, adding a snotty smile.
I resisted the urge to slice open her hand with my fork.

My mother loved me, she was just disappointed in me all the time. My younger sister, Bria, was 20 years old and already engaged. Her fiance owned a big yacht company in the Carribean, and she planned to move to Paris with him this summer.

I, on the other hand, was in a 6-year relationship with no discussion of marriage whatsoever. Mother knew this, and loved to rub it in my face every chance she got. I often thought it was because my dad never gave her the kind of attention she craved was why she acted this way.

And here I was, on the top of every music chart in Europe. Everywhere I went, my songs were being played in clubs, restaurants, bars, cafes, and iPods across the world. I think my mother was jealous of me in some way.

"Besides, when I was 16 you told me you'd never allow me to marry in a Catholic church", I reminded her.
"Well you're older now, I suppose it's up to your father. Where is he anyway?"
I swallowed, wondering if I should tell her.
"I don't know, probably at breakfast."
She looked around, confused.
"But, aren't we at breakfast?"
I held in my giggle at her ignorance.
"He eats with team members only, in that building", I said, pointing to the large white building across from us that said "Circuit de Catalunya", and something in Spanish that I assumed had something to do with the word "building".

She sighed, shrugging off her stupidity. I hated when she came to races, I felt like I was babysitting. My mom spent most of her life cooped up in our 25-acre estate in Scotland, and the only time she left the house was to go spend more of my father's money. So obviously, she knew nothing about the racing world.
"Well, Natalia, I'm interested. How's your relationship going, anyway?"
I put on my sunglasses and sighed.
"Fine. Why?"
She lowered her Prada sunglasses to see through mine, but I looked away immediately.
"You always say that. What does 'fine' mean?", she prodded.
"It means not great, not terrible, not ok, but bearable", I blurted out.

Which was true, I had to admit to myself. I couldn't lie to my mother like my sister, because she saw through me.
"He bought me a car last week.", I mumbled.
"Oh really? What kind?"
"Porsche. Cayenne."
My mother was silent for a minute.
"And...that's...bad?", she wondered.
"It's hard to explain, maybe. It's just been weird lately, I don't know...", I trailed off.
She leaned in, trying to reach me.
"Natalia, what's wrong?"
"Nothing", I said, seeing my father and Nick coming toward us.
***********

Chapter 2

I found out from Laurie that there had been rumors going around about me and another driver, Scott. I couldn't believe this, because we were just friends. He was basically the only one that had English as his first language, too.

I guess it may have surfaced because we were at a party a while ago, but nothing happened. I didn't even think Laurie believed me when I told her.
"I swear, he didn't touch me. We just hung out, and talked."
"I know, and I believe you, but maybe that's why", she suggested.
"He wouldn't leave me after six years after something stupid like that, Laurie."
She rolled her eyes at me, frustrated.
"Do you want to get away?", she asked.
I stood blank, not sure what she meant.
"Away...?"
"Yeah, away. Away from this. Away from racing, and rich jerks every weekend. Away from money, expensive cars, annoying mothers..."
"And failed relationships", I added.
"And failed relationships", Laurie repeated.



So it was happening. Laurie and I left London on Wednesday, headed for Atlanta. I hadn't been to the United States since last August, and I thought it'd be nice.

When we landed, Laurie handed me a ticket on a lanyard that said "Atlanta Motor Speedway".
"Wait, I thought you said we were getting away from racing?", I protested.
"Formula One, yes. NASCAR is different, you'll love it."
NASCAR...I'd never heard of it.
"I don't know. Where are we staying?", I asked.
"My cousin, Anna, she's helping us out. Don't worry about it."

Love Needs its Own Spotlight (not sure)

Prologue-
I couldn’t believe it, any of it. It was like a bad dream I couldn’t wake up from. I wanted to scream and cry, but I didn’t know exactly why. I didn’t understand why he would do this to me, either. It didn’t make sense, from how things were going lately. I could feel my weak heart getting tired as I ran around the house, looking for any sign of him.

I finally came to my sense and took a rest, pulling out my cell phone. My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly dial Laurie, my best friend’s phone number. When she answered my mind froze, not wanting to sound pathetic but scared to death at the same time.
“Hey Nat, what’s up? How’s Bahrain?”
I took a deep, sobbing breath, knowing she could hear me.
“I…Laurie…He’s gone and I’m scared!”, I sobbed.
I heard her gasp on the other end.
“Nat, what are you talking about? What’s wrong?”
“He’s gone, that’s all…Laurie help me!”, I shouted into the phone.
“Calm down, calm down”, she soothed, “I can’t fly there right away but I’ll try and get out there as soon as I can…Are you home yet?”, she asked.
I nodded my head and answered, “Yes”.
“Ok, I’ll be there sometime tomorrow, just hang on.”

I closed my phone and slid to the floor.

Chapter 1

2 months later…
London.

“You don’t think Arlene really meant that do you?”, I asked Laurie.
She looked at me, and continued writing.
“I dunno, she has right to say so.”
“It’s my music though, that’s not her job”, I argued.
Laurie sighed, putting down her pen.
“Alright, alright. I just think you’re making it seem obvious…”
I stared at her wide-eyed.
“Yeah, well”, I said.
“Nat, you know it’s normal to feel this way though, right?”
I nodded pathetically.
“Sure, I just kick myself for not doing anything about it.”

There was silence for a while, and I turned my attention to the rain outside. It was dark and gloomy, as it was most days, but today seemed different. In fact, I swore it got darker every day. Laurie laughed at me when I told her this, obviously it was just me. Two months felt more like 2 years to me.
“I thought you were calling him, anyway”, Laurie mentioned.
I turned to look at her but turned away.
“He blocked my number, Laurie”, I mumbled.
“Even your house phone?!”
I nodded, still facing the window.
“That’s fucked up”, she decided.
“It’s more than that. I don’t get it, what the hell did I do? You’d think at least he’d tell me. But I can’t reach him at all, I’m serious. He blocked my numbers, and even changed his. He blocked my email, everything. I can’t even buy race tickets…”, I sighed.
I felt like crying at how pathetic I was sounding.
“Well, maybe you should just forget about it. Has your dad said anything?”
I turned and faced Laurie this time.
“No. Like he’d have anything to say, Laurie. I’m surprised when he acknowledges that I exist. But whatever, maybe I do need to move on”, I suggested.
“I just hate seeing you like this, I swore you guys were the closest to perfect I’d ever seen.”
I bit my lip, truly holding back tears.

Laurie saw me starting to cry, and she closed her notebook. I had tried not to cry in front of her, but my strength could only be so strong.
“I think there’s something wrong with me”, I sobbed.
Laurie squeezed me tight.
“Hush, there is not. Who knows what got into him, you’ll be fine.”

I guess Laurie could’ve been right. All my songs lately have been about being dumped, or whatever you want to call it. My manager, Arlene, even said so. But what can I do, it’s all I think about. I have nightmares about that morning, turning my day upside down. I don’t even know how I get out of bed in the morning, alone…

The whole “closest to perfect” thing is a little farfetched too. I know Laurie’s my best friend though, of course she’d say that. And maybe sometimes I said that too, who knows. I don’t even remember what being happy feels like. I feel as if I’m on autopilot, not noticing anything.

It hurts when you know you’re out of second chances, too.